I was scared.
I was 25 years old, sitting on my parent’s bed with tears streaming down my face, terrified to give God control.
You need to understand, if I gave God permission to use my life, he was going to send me to a dusty village in some remote country where they eat monkey brains.
I don’t like monkey brains.
I like media, creating videos and websites.
Where did the Good Lord get this idea to send me to some God-forsaken place with no internet?
I knew why, God wanted me to die. He wanted me to prove my devotion by picking up my cross and dying.
No more graphic design. No more videos. My existence was sure to consist of street evangelism, 40 days fasts and cleaning out bed pans in a hospital ward.
That was my fear. That’s why I was crying.
I wanted to surrender my life to Jesus, but the cost was unbearable.
This is the story—my story about how God deconstructed my fear and—to this day!—continuously knocks my socks off with his goodness.
Obviously, I had some misconceptions about God’s plan for my life.
But I did get to pick up my cross.
I confronted my selfish ambition, laid down my entitlements and even decided, if it helped someone meet Jesus…I was ready to eat monkey brains.
The Cross used to be a doorway to death. Jesus showed me it was the path to abundant life.
I learned that it’s better to follow God’s dreams. When we chase our own dreams they can easily turn into nightmares (Loren Cunningham told me that).
My dream was to move to New York, start my own company, become moderately rich and give money to the poor. Noble enough, right?
In reality, my immature character would have sabotaged my efforts.
I’m confident my selfish ambition and insecurity would have tanked the business. My circle of friends would have been small. And I may have given to the poor but would have missed the chance to sit with them in person.
To be explicit, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with starting a business in New York. Someone reading this is called to do it, I’m sure. But the issue was, it wasn’t God’s plan for me.
We can’t run away from our calling. Or we shouldn’t.
It didn’t work well for Jonah.
And as scary as I thought it was going to be, I was wrong.
I learned that God can be trusted.
He didn’t want to send me to the nations alone. He surrounded me with friends. He didn’t want me to abandon my passion for media, he asked me to use it.
We can live open-handed before God, willing to go anywhere, do anything and love anyone because He is good. He can be trusted.
God gave you your passions. He doesn’t want to kill them and you don’t need to be afraid of full surrender.
It takes courage, it takes boldness, it takes sacrifice.
But it is worth it.